My Weight Struggles

I have been overweight since I was a young girl. My early childhood was suffused with trauma and eating, and as modeled to me by my family, food became my comfort. I began gaining weight in earnest when I was in fourth grade and by the beginning of my fifth grade year I weighed as much as most average sized, full grown women do. Yes, as a fifth grader, I weighed 120 pounds. Middle school continued my weight gaining bonanza, and by ninth grade I weighed in at 210 pounds. By the end of high school I weighed 220 pounds and maintained this weight for a long time. Recently, I ballooned up to 270 pounds.

Being overweight has always been a struggle for me. Situational, as well as genetic factors, have always worked against me. My mother weighed 600 pounds for a good part of my childhood. She, too, ate for comfort. My step-dad was overweight; my brother was overweight, as were my father, grandparents, aunts and uncles. Food is used in my family to celebrate, come together, mourn, struggle, and comfort. My mother had gastric bypass surgery and now weighs 160 pounds. This amazing weight loss, and the resultant effects on her health and life, has left an indelible impression on me. Through out the years, as I have struggled with my weight, gastric bypass has tickled the back of my mind.

I’ve gone through several “feeling” phases with my weight. I’ve been angry, depressed, accepting, rationalizing, and the ilk of feelings in between. Now, I am in a phase, and time in my life, for action. I am ready to do something. When I reached the action stage weight loss surgery was the first thing that jumped to my mind. I researched franticly on the web and talked extensively with a girl at work that had the surgery. She endorsed it whole heartedly. I talked to my best friend Mari and we decided to have surgery together. I was ready to do this! Gastric bypass was my angel…the surgery that would fix all my ills. With this mind frame I made an appointment with my doctor.

I went to my doctor’s appointment with great excitement and trepidation. Though I was very excited I was also scared. Could I really, finally give up food? Food had been my protector, comforter, friend, and foe for a long, long time. Could I give it up? Could I say good bye? I marshaled my mental reserves and said, “Yes, yes I can!”

As it turned out, my doctor wasn’t as enthusiastic about weight loss surgery as I was. Where I had taken the surgery and ran full charge ahead, my doctor was much more reserved. He called weight loss surgery “a good tool”, but said he felt I could learn to eat right. He said if we attacked the two “wings” of my weight problem-bad eating habits and psychological aspects-he thought I could loose weight without surgical intervention. While a bit disappointed, my doctor also inspired me. He gave me a few tips for starting out, his number one imperative being to quit my fast food diet. He sternly told me, “There is no reason fast food should ever, ever be a part of your diet.” He then gave me meal ideas and shopping tips. He told me weight is a multi-faceted issue and would take time to fix. He also told me to tackle it one thing at a time. He said try eating at home, whatever you want for starters, but quit the fast food. I left his office feeling better. I’d gone in feeling overwhelmed and emotional at the huge problem I was facing, feeling ill-equipped to fix it. I left feeling I could—if only taking baby steps at a time.

So, I feel with my doctor’s guidance, a therapist’s help, and my willingness to make changes, and face whatever is under the food I can do this. It has been a week now, and I’m doing good. I’ve been eating healthier and trying to address emotional pitfalls as they come up. Last night I had a fast food attack, but how many times did I fall down while learning to walk? This will be difficult…..but here it goes!

I have been lucky so far. I don’t have hypertension, heart problems, or diabetes. But, how much longer can I be lucky? I HAVE to do this…and I will!