The Doldrums

I've been struggling this week.

Most of the week I've been fighting back depression and tears, not necessarily in that order. The smallest things set me crying. I dropped a light bulb I was changing out in the basement and I reacted as if my pet had been run over by a car. I put too much chili in the Spanish rice I made for dinner and I felt like I'd poisoned my father. What the heck is the matter with me?

Sunday was worst. I hadn't been able to get to sleep Saturday night. I was either dealing with head and back pain, or I just couldn't relax enough to fall asleep. That left me exhausted by 11am. I woke up after a few hours of nap time feeling like some junkyard dog kept hungry to keep mean. Nothing seemed better than to bite off a few innocent heads.

Then Becky, bless her heart, said that maybe I was reacting to the whole bariatric surgery thing. I finally found a way out of my vicious and voracious appetite which is slowly smothering me, but what if I can't afford it?

The suspense is killing me.

When I first researched the surgery, I saw a price quote of approximately $40,00 dollars. That's a nice healthy chunk of money when you're not insured. I've also seen price quotes that shoot clear up to $75,000 dollars. An even nicer chunk of money. Where is it going to come from?

I've seen a few options out there for financing it, but I'm waiting to meet with the surgeon and his group to see what resources they have. I'm hoping this man my doctor recommended is one of those who does the surgery cheaper for those who aren't insured. Hopefully with that, and the financing, I will be able to pay for it. If not, hopefully the financing companies will be willing to take on an poor Native American girl who can't work because she's too fat, and she's too fat from not working. Oh yah, and then there's the whole credit issue.

I just don't know.

I went into the surgery with the hope that I will lose at least half of me. After speaking to my doctor, however, I'm realizing it might be the most efficient way for me to avoid other obesity related problems. My doctor wasn't exactly thrilled I was contemplating surgery, but she wasn't exactly telling me I shouldn't do it either. Insecurities? Maybe, but I still say her silence in that area spoke volumes.

In the mean time, I keep the research going and hope something positive will come up. I don't want to be in debt for the next 100,000 years, but I don't exactly want to be smothered to death by my own body.

Any fundraising ideas anyone?

Back to the doldrums.