Struggles

I haven’t written a blog entry for awhile because I have been extremely disappointed in myself.

When I wrote the first entry I was very excited. I thought, “I’m going to do this! I can and I will.” I felt prepared for the massive challenge that lay ahead of me. I felt armed with the necessary tools: advice from my doctor, the blog as a medium to chronicle and explore my struggles, and support from my friends and family. I started out strong by eating right and feeling I could do what I needed.

I ate well for a few weeks and when I went to my follow up appointment with my doctor I had lost five pounds. As Mari told me I’d lost the equivalent of a bag of flour! Wow, did I feel great!

But, even that day, my momentum petered out much like a car losing battery power. I began slipping into my bad eating habits as easily as one slips into there favorite pair of old, comfy jeans. It was so insidious that at first I didn’t even realize it. A double quarter ponder with cheese here, a Taco Bell burrito there. My thinking was this, “I’ve lost five pounds, why not treat myself?”

Then I realized how distorted this thinking was. I was going to “treat” myself for losing weight by doing the very thing that made me gain weight? Then I really lost my willpower. I began to realize that this convoluted thinking was at the heart of my eating disorder. It is rationalizing my eating habits in such a way that I can let them slip into my life undetected, under the radar, and become “normal.” How was I ever going to lose weight?

One might think that this revelation would recharge my good eating battery, but it didn’t. It depressed and demoralized me. I was much like a knight laying down his sword. I thought, “Fuck it, I can’t do this, so why pretend?” I resumed my bad eating with aplomb. I dug into my favorite foods with reckless abandon. I welcomed home my comfort, protector, and best friend. I ate my way through all the issues I was having. A fight with my husband? A double quarter ponder with cheese would fit nicely. Problems at work? A pizza tasted good. Tired and fatigued after a hard day? Taco Bell would make it better.

Then I thought about how good I felt after I’d lost those five pounds. I attempted regain my momentum and a grip on my insidious thinking. I bought all the right foods and began to eat well again. But again, like a snake slithering undetected into a warm, cozy spot, my distorted thinking slipped back into my mind. “Oh, I’ve done so well, why not stop by McDonalds on the way home?” And, ergo, I destroyed all the good eating I’d done.

So, again, here I am feeling bad about eating, wondering if I’ve gained my lost weight back, and feeling unprepared and unequipped to fight my battle.

This morning I began to think. I am a Social Worker and work in the field of addiction treatment. I began to think about what I knew about addiction. I have learned that addiction is a chronic, relapsing disease. I consider my eating disorder a disease. I am, very literally, addicted to food. If I could view my clients as addicts, facing a relapsing disease, with compassion, why not myself? If I can see my clients, day after day, battling their addiction and not give up hope, why could I not view myself in the same light?


So, I decided, I need to stop looking at my quest to loose weight and be healthy as a war I will never win, but rather a series of battles. Some I will win, some I will not. I know I can win enough battles to emerge victorious in the war.

But, do I want to fight a war against myself?

Maybe It's Not So Bad

I went to a seminar my surgeon holds for newbies who are considering bariatric surgery. It was quite enlightening; not to mention validating and rather comforting. It seems he has a "tripod" structure for treating morbid obesity, of which surgery is just one foot of it. He covered all three areas of his treatment, surgery, nutrition and psychological counseling, at the seminar. He also covered a good deal of facts. For the purposes of this blog entry, I will just describe the tripod.

The first "foot" of the tripod is, of course, the surgery. More in depth descriptions of both Lap Band and gastric bypass can be found in the links provided at this blog, so I won't go into too much detail. I will tell you, however, that I think I'm going for the gastric bypass because it's the one we have the most long term data on.

The Lap Band has only been approved for general use within the last 5 years. Scientists can see some positive trends with the Lap Band, but those trends are still only theories at this point. Whereas gastric bypass has been around since the 1960's and has stood the test of time nicely. There are disadvantages to both forms of surgery, but when ISN'T there an exception to the rules when surgery is involved?

The second part of my doctor's tripod is nutrition. My nutrition will be monitored and evaluated regularly though most of my weight loss, and less frequently, throughout the rest of my life. Apparently, there are some foods that don't sit well with bariatric surgery. I'm told it's important to identify those foods (highly processed sugars, soda pop and even some cheeses and breads among others) so that we can know when to avoid them and when it's safe. Besides, this is a new lifestyle I will be adopting. Good nutrition is something I will be dealing with forever, even after I've achieved goal weight (approximately 130 pounds or so).

And last, but not least, is the psychological counseling. Again, this is a lifestyle change. Losing weight is just a part of it, so it's important to have all the tools, including the psychological tools, required to keep the weight off once it's lost. If you've been battling weight problems for as long as I have, there are going to be some pretty tough "tapes" you're going to need to record over. In my humble opinion, you cannot be 100 pounds or more over weight without developing some issues that should be cleared up.

I think my doctor is very clever to include all of that in his treatment plans. Don't let anyone fool you into thinking a lifestyle change is easy. It takes constant effort and learning to get it going. Support is super important when you get to surgical options for weight loss, and it's nice to know my doctor takes that into consideration.

First Step

Today is a major day as far as my surgery goes. I am attending a seminar my surgeon is conducting which will cover details of the surgery, prep and recovery time and financing. As it's about a two hour long seminar, I'm sure there is going to be more information passed along, but I will have to go over that later.

What I do know, however, is that there are two distinct types of surgery I am up for - Lapband and Roux en Y Gastric Bypass. Both have shown some promising evidence of success, but both still have glaringly important problems one needs to consider before actually committing to he surgery.

Lapband surgery is the current favorite in the advertising world, and I can certainly see why. There's just something appealing about its adjustability and potential for removal. I just don't know if the risks are worth it, though.

First of all, it's new. We have no real idea of what the long term affects of this thing might be. It's just too new. Some of the side affects it has shown so far include esophageal dysfunction, band slippage and the need for revision due to weight loss failure. Also, removal of the band can leave behind severe scarring which can really complicate future Gastric Bypass surgery should it be needed.

This method would definitely need consideration, but that statement would be true of Gastric Bypass as well. This method has its own perks to enjoy. Health risks like hypertension, diabetes and sleep apnea seem to be minimized, if not resolved. And of course, there's the all time favorite of losing up to a pound a day for the first 3 to 6 months. I like that one a lot.

There are side affects, GI ulcers and bowel obstructions accompanied by heavy vomiting are two. The percentage numbers for these are low which I'm thinking means the risk is low. I'm hoping to know more later.

This is an overview of thoughts and basic research that's been done thus far. This seminar I am attending today should fill in a few more blanks and answer some more questions. I will, of course, post more information here as it becomes available to me.

Actually, I'm not all that worried about the surgery. It's the cost of it that I'm freaking out about. I'm tempted to put up a paypal's button so I can beg people for money. Would anyone be interested in offering a couple of dollars here and there?

;)

The Doldrums

I've been struggling this week.

Most of the week I've been fighting back depression and tears, not necessarily in that order. The smallest things set me crying. I dropped a light bulb I was changing out in the basement and I reacted as if my pet had been run over by a car. I put too much chili in the Spanish rice I made for dinner and I felt like I'd poisoned my father. What the heck is the matter with me?

Sunday was worst. I hadn't been able to get to sleep Saturday night. I was either dealing with head and back pain, or I just couldn't relax enough to fall asleep. That left me exhausted by 11am. I woke up after a few hours of nap time feeling like some junkyard dog kept hungry to keep mean. Nothing seemed better than to bite off a few innocent heads.

Then Becky, bless her heart, said that maybe I was reacting to the whole bariatric surgery thing. I finally found a way out of my vicious and voracious appetite which is slowly smothering me, but what if I can't afford it?

The suspense is killing me.

When I first researched the surgery, I saw a price quote of approximately $40,00 dollars. That's a nice healthy chunk of money when you're not insured. I've also seen price quotes that shoot clear up to $75,000 dollars. An even nicer chunk of money. Where is it going to come from?

I've seen a few options out there for financing it, but I'm waiting to meet with the surgeon and his group to see what resources they have. I'm hoping this man my doctor recommended is one of those who does the surgery cheaper for those who aren't insured. Hopefully with that, and the financing, I will be able to pay for it. If not, hopefully the financing companies will be willing to take on an poor Native American girl who can't work because she's too fat, and she's too fat from not working. Oh yah, and then there's the whole credit issue.

I just don't know.

I went into the surgery with the hope that I will lose at least half of me. After speaking to my doctor, however, I'm realizing it might be the most efficient way for me to avoid other obesity related problems. My doctor wasn't exactly thrilled I was contemplating surgery, but she wasn't exactly telling me I shouldn't do it either. Insecurities? Maybe, but I still say her silence in that area spoke volumes.

In the mean time, I keep the research going and hope something positive will come up. I don't want to be in debt for the next 100,000 years, but I don't exactly want to be smothered to death by my own body.

Any fundraising ideas anyone?

Back to the doldrums.

Frustrated…

I have been trying my hardest to eat healthy and I’ve been doing well, aside from a few fast good ventures. I’ve gone down to eating fast food once a week, a lot less than my usual seven days a week. I’ve been eating cucumbers, carrots, double fiber bread, melon, berries, low fat yogurt, and the like for two weeks now. I pack my lunch for work and eat at home. This might seem mundane to some, but for me it is a big improvement. I thought I’ve been doing so well, until I had a revelation that etched in my cranium like an etch-a-sketch, but not so easily shaken away.

I realized that while I’ve been eating healthier, I’m still eating enough for two average humans. Sure I eat carrots, but I eat the whole bag. Sure I’m eating the right things, but I still eat and eat and eat. I still have an insatiable appetite. Well, an emotional appetite anyway. So, now I question myself. Am I really doing better? Or am I fooling myself?

I’ve tried to soothe myself and think, “Well, you are still eating healthy” and “At least you aren’t on the fast track to a heart attack with nightly double Quarter Pounders with Cheese.” But still, I can’t shake this revelation away.

It made me realize how tenuous and emotional a grip I have on my eating patterns. I was giddy with the feeling of how good I was doing, just to realize I’m not. I still have a major dragon to slay.

I’m afraid I don’t have the weapons to do it…

In the Beginning...

I am finding this blog really hard to start. Becky and I discussed it for a few weeks and thought it would be a good idea to get it going. I thought it was going to be fun and easy, but I've been sitting here trying to get it going for the last three hours. I guess I should have expected it. Dealing face to face with my weight has always been hard for me.

I've tried confronting my weight and doing something about it before, but I couldn't seem to make any headway with it at all. Fits and starts. That's how I've labeled my struggle. Hopefully this start will end the battle once and for all.

I'm 5'2" and weight 275 pounds. Not quite the size you see on TLC's Big Medicine series, perhaps, but definitely too big for me. I know there are bigger people out there. I just don't want to be one of them, and I can see how I might be if I don't take some kind of action.

So after 32 years (I'm 38 now) of failed diets, programs, pills and hypnosis, I discussed the surgery option with my doctor. It seems I'm not the only one who's been concerned about how much weight I'm carrying around. Heart problems, diabetes, high blood pressure and all the other scary things that come along with being morbidly obese is, almost literally, around the corner. I've been lucky so far, but I can't depend on luck for very much longer.

There are other struggles I have to worry about. My weight tends to gather the most around my trunk area, as one might expect. As a result, my back is starting to feel the strain. More and more often anymore it's hurting too much for me to do anything productive. My knees are also starting to feel the strain. Moreover, I worked in front of a keyboard in a customer service position for 10 years. The constant and fast keyboarding have left me with side effects akin to carpel tunnel. It hurts if I type for three hours, not to mention the 8 or 9 of a full time job. Thus, I have no medical insurance and I don't qualify for Medicare.

I have no money. I have no insurance. How to pay for the surgery? Good question.

So that's why I agreed to starting this blog. I'm positive there are other people who are in the same predicament. If there is a way for me to do this, then there must be a way for others to do this. I am going to post the ideas and tips I come across here so that others might be able to save themselves, as it were.

I might also include questions and thoughts. Answers and responses will be contemplated and included, so long as they're done tastefully and with respect. Overweight prejudice is rampant, but I won't tolerate it here. Life for those of us with weight problems is too difficult to put up with narrow mindedness.

I look forward to reading any responses this blog might get.

Mari

My Weight Struggles

I have been overweight since I was a young girl. My early childhood was suffused with trauma and eating, and as modeled to me by my family, food became my comfort. I began gaining weight in earnest when I was in fourth grade and by the beginning of my fifth grade year I weighed as much as most average sized, full grown women do. Yes, as a fifth grader, I weighed 120 pounds. Middle school continued my weight gaining bonanza, and by ninth grade I weighed in at 210 pounds. By the end of high school I weighed 220 pounds and maintained this weight for a long time. Recently, I ballooned up to 270 pounds.

Being overweight has always been a struggle for me. Situational, as well as genetic factors, have always worked against me. My mother weighed 600 pounds for a good part of my childhood. She, too, ate for comfort. My step-dad was overweight; my brother was overweight, as were my father, grandparents, aunts and uncles. Food is used in my family to celebrate, come together, mourn, struggle, and comfort. My mother had gastric bypass surgery and now weighs 160 pounds. This amazing weight loss, and the resultant effects on her health and life, has left an indelible impression on me. Through out the years, as I have struggled with my weight, gastric bypass has tickled the back of my mind.

I’ve gone through several “feeling” phases with my weight. I’ve been angry, depressed, accepting, rationalizing, and the ilk of feelings in between. Now, I am in a phase, and time in my life, for action. I am ready to do something. When I reached the action stage weight loss surgery was the first thing that jumped to my mind. I researched franticly on the web and talked extensively with a girl at work that had the surgery. She endorsed it whole heartedly. I talked to my best friend Mari and we decided to have surgery together. I was ready to do this! Gastric bypass was my angel…the surgery that would fix all my ills. With this mind frame I made an appointment with my doctor.

I went to my doctor’s appointment with great excitement and trepidation. Though I was very excited I was also scared. Could I really, finally give up food? Food had been my protector, comforter, friend, and foe for a long, long time. Could I give it up? Could I say good bye? I marshaled my mental reserves and said, “Yes, yes I can!”

As it turned out, my doctor wasn’t as enthusiastic about weight loss surgery as I was. Where I had taken the surgery and ran full charge ahead, my doctor was much more reserved. He called weight loss surgery “a good tool”, but said he felt I could learn to eat right. He said if we attacked the two “wings” of my weight problem-bad eating habits and psychological aspects-he thought I could loose weight without surgical intervention. While a bit disappointed, my doctor also inspired me. He gave me a few tips for starting out, his number one imperative being to quit my fast food diet. He sternly told me, “There is no reason fast food should ever, ever be a part of your diet.” He then gave me meal ideas and shopping tips. He told me weight is a multi-faceted issue and would take time to fix. He also told me to tackle it one thing at a time. He said try eating at home, whatever you want for starters, but quit the fast food. I left his office feeling better. I’d gone in feeling overwhelmed and emotional at the huge problem I was facing, feeling ill-equipped to fix it. I left feeling I could—if only taking baby steps at a time.

So, I feel with my doctor’s guidance, a therapist’s help, and my willingness to make changes, and face whatever is under the food I can do this. It has been a week now, and I’m doing good. I’ve been eating healthier and trying to address emotional pitfalls as they come up. Last night I had a fast food attack, but how many times did I fall down while learning to walk? This will be difficult…..but here it goes!

I have been lucky so far. I don’t have hypertension, heart problems, or diabetes. But, how much longer can I be lucky? I HAVE to do this…and I will!