Struggles

I haven’t written a blog entry for awhile because I have been extremely disappointed in myself.

When I wrote the first entry I was very excited. I thought, “I’m going to do this! I can and I will.” I felt prepared for the massive challenge that lay ahead of me. I felt armed with the necessary tools: advice from my doctor, the blog as a medium to chronicle and explore my struggles, and support from my friends and family. I started out strong by eating right and feeling I could do what I needed.

I ate well for a few weeks and when I went to my follow up appointment with my doctor I had lost five pounds. As Mari told me I’d lost the equivalent of a bag of flour! Wow, did I feel great!

But, even that day, my momentum petered out much like a car losing battery power. I began slipping into my bad eating habits as easily as one slips into there favorite pair of old, comfy jeans. It was so insidious that at first I didn’t even realize it. A double quarter ponder with cheese here, a Taco Bell burrito there. My thinking was this, “I’ve lost five pounds, why not treat myself?”

Then I realized how distorted this thinking was. I was going to “treat” myself for losing weight by doing the very thing that made me gain weight? Then I really lost my willpower. I began to realize that this convoluted thinking was at the heart of my eating disorder. It is rationalizing my eating habits in such a way that I can let them slip into my life undetected, under the radar, and become “normal.” How was I ever going to lose weight?

One might think that this revelation would recharge my good eating battery, but it didn’t. It depressed and demoralized me. I was much like a knight laying down his sword. I thought, “Fuck it, I can’t do this, so why pretend?” I resumed my bad eating with aplomb. I dug into my favorite foods with reckless abandon. I welcomed home my comfort, protector, and best friend. I ate my way through all the issues I was having. A fight with my husband? A double quarter ponder with cheese would fit nicely. Problems at work? A pizza tasted good. Tired and fatigued after a hard day? Taco Bell would make it better.

Then I thought about how good I felt after I’d lost those five pounds. I attempted regain my momentum and a grip on my insidious thinking. I bought all the right foods and began to eat well again. But again, like a snake slithering undetected into a warm, cozy spot, my distorted thinking slipped back into my mind. “Oh, I’ve done so well, why not stop by McDonalds on the way home?” And, ergo, I destroyed all the good eating I’d done.

So, again, here I am feeling bad about eating, wondering if I’ve gained my lost weight back, and feeling unprepared and unequipped to fight my battle.

This morning I began to think. I am a Social Worker and work in the field of addiction treatment. I began to think about what I knew about addiction. I have learned that addiction is a chronic, relapsing disease. I consider my eating disorder a disease. I am, very literally, addicted to food. If I could view my clients as addicts, facing a relapsing disease, with compassion, why not myself? If I can see my clients, day after day, battling their addiction and not give up hope, why could I not view myself in the same light?


So, I decided, I need to stop looking at my quest to loose weight and be healthy as a war I will never win, but rather a series of battles. Some I will win, some I will not. I know I can win enough battles to emerge victorious in the war.

But, do I want to fight a war against myself?